Police to tackle bike crime with new ‘Indifferent Squad’

The rise in bicycle crime in the capital is to be tackled head on with the formation of an elite new police team to be known as ‘The Indifferent Squad’. The highly trained force will be stationed at key points behind the counter at London’s last few remaining police stations, poised to do a bit of paperwork on stolen bicycles the moment they have dealt with everything else.

‘It was amazing to the see them in action’ said TV producer Pat Farrell who is shadowing the Indifferent Squad prior to making an ITV drama on their tense and exciting work. ‘At 9.03 am the call came in – front wheel stolen from a Marin mountain bike in Barnes High Street. Immediately the shouting began; Code Red! Repeat; Code Red! Dave, get form 7b/32/b from the file, don’t piss about, I want a biro, working, with the lid off NOW! Kev, Bob, where are those bloody duplicates – Sheena move, we need back up pens on the other side of the counter. I want the standard letter off to the insurance company by November at the latest!’

The theft from the bicycle turned out to be unusual in that the entire crime had been clearly recorded on CCTV and the thief had dropped his wallet in the act of removing the front wheel. Not only did it have his photo ID, address and contact details, it also contained a piece of paper entitled – ‘names and addresses of all the criminals who buy my stolen bikes off me.’

The head of Indifferent Squad said ‘Luckily the bike owner brought that wallet to attention of the Indifferent Squad. Or we’d never have been able to pass it onto Lost Property.’